RIP Robin Williams ... Dealing with Depression

The death of Robin Williams has really been hitting me hard, besides him being such an amazing actor and talent; I can't help but wonder what led him to suicide?  Depression and mental health is a serious disease, and those that do not see it that way or view people as weak need to come to terms with the severity of depression in our society.  Perhaps I never really knew until I got a taste of it myself.  I have always struggled with serious anxiety but now with the added depression, my body physically hurts from everything I have been going through.  Robin Williams also struggled with drug addiction and I can see how that plus depression is a deadline combination.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family of course, but I think a good part of the world is in mourning over losing this actor.  He was more than just a pop culture here today gone tomorrow actor, Robin Williams has been in movie after movie that has touched many, many people.  In addition, he brought so much laughter and smiles to people.  It just goes to show, that those that smile on the outside are sometime hurting on the inside.... while I know they are two entirely different things, I believe a lot of those suffering from infertility know that all too well, smile and put on a happy face but at the same time... pain, suffering, guilt, emptiness, hurt, confusion, longing, and many more feelings haunt you on the inside.  It also goes to show that those with fame and fortune are not always happy and they too long for something else.  I hope Robin Williams finds that peace and comfort. 

Some of my favorite movies are the following... 

Aladdin, of course, I am obsessed with Disney.  It's been circulating in Social Media but, 'Genie, You're Free!' sums up what a lot of us are feeling... 

Hook - of course, i have also have a serious Peter Pan addition.




And, What Dreams May Come.... I hope you are enjoying Heaven in real life the way you did in this movie, Robin. 

Anyways, I hope you all find comfort as well as you struggle with your anxiety, depression, infertility... or any other cross you are barring. 

In other news, Ron and I went to the Cubs game last night and stayed downtown Chicago -- we both worked yesterday and today but it still felt like a little get away.  Very nice! 

Great Weekend!

I feel like de ja vu, but it happened... I had a weekend where it was so nice and enjoyable and although there was sadness in my heart, the conversation my husband and I had on Friday night really made me feel better.  And, because of it, I was able to enjoy my weekend and actually have a good time.  We spent most of the weekend in our little pool in our backyard with friends... and we drank, a lot.  I was a great time and I really needed a fun weekend like that.  

Unfortunately, when you have a fun, drunken weekend, Monday mornings become oh so much more harder, which is certainly proving to be today.  Luckily, we have summer hours for a couple more weeks and I get out of here at 3:00 pm today.  Maybe more pool time?  Let's be honest, I will probably take a nap with the pups. :)

Have a great week!

Depressed Yes.. Amazing Husband YES!

While I have been very depressed, I have also had a very hard time getting my thoughts together.  It's not like this isn't a place I haven't been in before, yes it is a little different considering I actually was pregnant and know the feeling, but the thought of not having mine own children isn't new.  I do not know where to go from here, but I was finally able to get some thoughts together and my wonderful husband and I went out last night for date night and had a really good talk.  

Bottom line, I have always felt guilty that my amazing man may not be a father, that we had talked about before and after we walked away from IVF I came to terms with the fact that he loved me and he was in this with me - whether we ever have kids or not.  Well after the miscarriage, those thoughts came back, that possibly, he has felt what the possibility feels like and may be changing his mind about wanting to be with me, perhaps it'd be easier to leave me and find someone who can give him a child and the life we had in mind.  

Well, I love my husband and I always have but last night he told me, 'better or worse, you are mine and I am all about you,'... there were many more sweet quotes but all were along those lines.  He wants us to enjoy our lives and our marriage and keep our faith.  He understands that I am struggling but he has faith in me as well that I will come out of this.  I could not be more lucky to have him as a husband and I pray that all those struggling with infertility... or any struggles have a partner by their side like my husband, everyone deserves a man (or woman) like him, and I am a very lucky girl.  

Well after having way too many drinks last night (especially considering we both had to work today..) we went home and I just happened to take an ovulation predictor kit, and turns out, I'm ovulating.. so looks like I know what we will be doing tonight.. no pressure. 

Keep the faith, and always pray.  We are. 

Starting over.. again

How have I found my place back here again...  I still don't know where to go or what to do from here but I went back to the doctor on Friday and found out it is safe to start trying again.  Do we try again?  Do we jump back into the foster/adopting path?  I don't know what to do and my heart is so torn.  We really want to foster, really really... but it requires 100% of your devotion and right now I don't think I have that to give.  I know what it feels like to be pregnant and I am not sure if I am willing to give up the yearn right now.  I am sorry if that makes me selfish but I really feel that is what I want, now that I have had a taste of it.  Perhaps as more time passes and I heal I will remember the excitement I had for fostering.. I hope I do, I was so passionate about it, but right now all I feel is pain and sadness.  I will not go back through fertility treatments though, I can't, I just cannot survive them again.  

Ah well, for now I am trying to lead a normal life.  Yesterday my husband and I went quadding on some trails, he kept saying on the way there, 'Please try and have fun'... I kept saying, 'I will try.'  Turns out, I did have fun.  It was really nice.  

'How are you doing?'

Seems like a perfectly good question, right?  We didn't tell very many people we were pregnant; just as you shouldn't because of the chances of a miscarriage but we did tell those that knew we had been struggling with infertility because let's be honest, extra prayers are always appreciated... well now that the miscarriage is over it's hump (there is still fun aftermath, but I will keep that to myself..), I keep getting the question.. 'So, how are you doing?' or 'How are you feeling?' -- I give the answer everyone wants to hear, 'Ok, it feels good to have the closure, and I am trying to stay positive...'  But what I am really feeling is, WHAT DO I DO NOW?  Do we try again?  Was that our one chance at a little miracle?  Do we jump back into the fostering thing?  Am I meant to be a mother at all?  

I think unless you have gone through this (which is the whole reason I am writing this blog in the first place is for those that need comfort that they are not alone..) but unless you know this despair, I don't think anyone has good advice.. heck I don't even know what I want.  

I am depressed and I am ok admitting that.  I am, I am sad, and hurt, and scared, and feel like I don't know what to do.  I am going through the motions again... is this healing?  Am I mourning the loss of my baby?  I don't know for sure, I may just be surviving and getting through... and I don't want that life.  I want a life of fun, hope, possibilities, love, and most of all children.. 

Do not get me wrong, my faith is strong.  I know God has a plan and I trust him, my fear though is God's plan may be that it's just me and Ron... it shouldn't be this hard, right?  Perhaps God just wants Ron and I to live our lives just the two of us and have an amazing marriage..  Because, folks, we do have an amazing marriage.  I have an amazing man in my life that I love to my core, maybe that is supposed to be it?  

Either way, I will keep my faith and as people ask, I will tell them... 'I am doing good, I have closure, and I continue to be positive...' Maybe one day it will be true. 

Miscarriage finally happened.. Now what?

Yesterday about 4:00 pm, I miscarried.  It was seriously the most painful and worst night of my life.  I was up all night with the cramping and bleeding and without getting too graphic, there were moments of pure panic that I was going to bleed to death.  

In a way, I feel closure today.  I knew it was going to happen, I don't know if that is better than a sudden miscarriage or not but like I said I feel the closure.  I can begin to get back to normal.  

I will go the next few weeks and get my blood drawn to make sure all the HCG is out of my system.  My doctor told me she would let me know when its safe to start trying again... I hear some women are more fertile after a miscarriage, I don't know if I believe that or not, but again, I am trying to stay positive.

Please keep us in your thoughts, its certainly been a rough year.. week... 24 hours... 

Blighted Ovum.. Whatever that means...

So our little miracle turned out to be a blighted ovum.  An embryo that doesn't quite get nestled in, and instead absorbs back into the uterus, leaving behind a beautiful sack that continues to grow, and makes mommy feel totally pregnant.  

We got this devastating news on Monday 7.7.14 and I was told to prepare for a miscarriage that has yet to come.. still waiting... The physical pain of the cramping is nothing compared to the intense emotional pain.

I am not sure how to mourn this,  I walked away, I thought we couldn't get pregnant and then this happened... this beautiful little miracle, I was so excited.. so happy... so ready for this.. and then poof a month later, it was all gone.  All my dreams... 

Yes, we want to foster and adopt, and I am 100% sure we would love that child more than anything but the miracle of your own baby is something I now know... I know what it feels like now to be pregnant... I know what it feels like now to say the words, 'I'm Pregnant' and glow.  I don't know if i will ever recover.

What a year this has been... What a life this is... God sure knows how to test my faith but I got news for you God, I am not going anywhere, I am faithful and hopeful.  I know you have a plan for us.  I know that Ron and I will be parents.  I know my life is going to be beautiful and I am going to be a mother... I just don't know who the baby/child is yet. 

Please pray for us during this hard time.