Starting over.. again

How have I found my place back here again...  I still don't know where to go or what to do from here but I went back to the doctor on Friday and found out it is safe to start trying again.  Do we try again?  Do we jump back into the foster/adopting path?  I don't know what to do and my heart is so torn.  We really want to foster, really really... but it requires 100% of your devotion and right now I don't think I have that to give.  I know what it feels like to be pregnant and I am not sure if I am willing to give up the yearn right now.  I am sorry if that makes me selfish but I really feel that is what I want, now that I have had a taste of it.  Perhaps as more time passes and I heal I will remember the excitement I had for fostering.. I hope I do, I was so passionate about it, but right now all I feel is pain and sadness.  I will not go back through fertility treatments though, I can't, I just cannot survive them again.  

Ah well, for now I am trying to lead a normal life.  Yesterday my husband and I went quadding on some trails, he kept saying on the way there, 'Please try and have fun'... I kept saying, 'I will try.'  Turns out, I did have fun.  It was really nice.  

'How are you doing?'

Seems like a perfectly good question, right?  We didn't tell very many people we were pregnant; just as you shouldn't because of the chances of a miscarriage but we did tell those that knew we had been struggling with infertility because let's be honest, extra prayers are always appreciated... well now that the miscarriage is over it's hump (there is still fun aftermath, but I will keep that to myself..), I keep getting the question.. 'So, how are you doing?' or 'How are you feeling?' -- I give the answer everyone wants to hear, 'Ok, it feels good to have the closure, and I am trying to stay positive...'  But what I am really feeling is, WHAT DO I DO NOW?  Do we try again?  Was that our one chance at a little miracle?  Do we jump back into the fostering thing?  Am I meant to be a mother at all?  

I think unless you have gone through this (which is the whole reason I am writing this blog in the first place is for those that need comfort that they are not alone..) but unless you know this despair, I don't think anyone has good advice.. heck I don't even know what I want.  

I am depressed and I am ok admitting that.  I am, I am sad, and hurt, and scared, and feel like I don't know what to do.  I am going through the motions again... is this healing?  Am I mourning the loss of my baby?  I don't know for sure, I may just be surviving and getting through... and I don't want that life.  I want a life of fun, hope, possibilities, love, and most of all children.. 

Do not get me wrong, my faith is strong.  I know God has a plan and I trust him, my fear though is God's plan may be that it's just me and Ron... it shouldn't be this hard, right?  Perhaps God just wants Ron and I to live our lives just the two of us and have an amazing marriage..  Because, folks, we do have an amazing marriage.  I have an amazing man in my life that I love to my core, maybe that is supposed to be it?  

Either way, I will keep my faith and as people ask, I will tell them... 'I am doing good, I have closure, and I continue to be positive...' Maybe one day it will be true. 

Miscarriage finally happened.. Now what?

Yesterday about 4:00 pm, I miscarried.  It was seriously the most painful and worst night of my life.  I was up all night with the cramping and bleeding and without getting too graphic, there were moments of pure panic that I was going to bleed to death.  

In a way, I feel closure today.  I knew it was going to happen, I don't know if that is better than a sudden miscarriage or not but like I said I feel the closure.  I can begin to get back to normal.  

I will go the next few weeks and get my blood drawn to make sure all the HCG is out of my system.  My doctor told me she would let me know when its safe to start trying again... I hear some women are more fertile after a miscarriage, I don't know if I believe that or not, but again, I am trying to stay positive.

Please keep us in your thoughts, its certainly been a rough year.. week... 24 hours... 

Blighted Ovum.. Whatever that means...

So our little miracle turned out to be a blighted ovum.  An embryo that doesn't quite get nestled in, and instead absorbs back into the uterus, leaving behind a beautiful sack that continues to grow, and makes mommy feel totally pregnant.  

We got this devastating news on Monday 7.7.14 and I was told to prepare for a miscarriage that has yet to come.. still waiting... The physical pain of the cramping is nothing compared to the intense emotional pain.

I am not sure how to mourn this,  I walked away, I thought we couldn't get pregnant and then this happened... this beautiful little miracle, I was so excited.. so happy... so ready for this.. and then poof a month later, it was all gone.  All my dreams... 

Yes, we want to foster and adopt, and I am 100% sure we would love that child more than anything but the miracle of your own baby is something I now know... I know what it feels like now to be pregnant... I know what it feels like now to say the words, 'I'm Pregnant' and glow.  I don't know if i will ever recover.

What a year this has been... What a life this is... God sure knows how to test my faith but I got news for you God, I am not going anywhere, I am faithful and hopeful.  I know you have a plan for us.  I know that Ron and I will be parents.  I know my life is going to be beautiful and I am going to be a mother... I just don't know who the baby/child is yet. 

Please pray for us during this hard time. 

Can I just be normal?

Why all the drama and stress?

So i went last Friday for my first ultra sound, thinking i was nearing 7 weeks.  The ultra sound tech at my OBGYN's office could not find anything in my uterus.  She tried to keep me calm but I could tell she was worried.  She had me go back to the waiting room and wait... and wait... and wait.. until finally another OBGYN that I had never seen before called me in.  He explained he feels that I have an ecotopic pregnancy and I should begin to prepare.  I asked how given my rising levels etc but he said they were starting to slow down and that concerned him and he feels I should seek a second opinion to be sure but to start to prepare...  I was able to get in with a RE (Reproductive Specialist- not just an OBGYN) at another office, I drove there, hysterical I might add.. Anyways, I get there, and the RE doesn't seem concerned at all, she said my HCG levels are fine and on track.  They got me all set up with the ultra sound and right away they find the sack.... but no baby and no heartbeat.  She said again, she isn't concerned, when they looked, they had me measuring about 5 weeks and 4 days, when I thought I was closer to 6 weeks and 5 days.. eh  

Anyways, HCG came back 6959 and she said that is great, doubling every 72 hours as it should this late in the game.  I go back again on Wednesday for another ultrasound and I just pray we hear the heartbeat.  I had chose not to go to the RE when we got this surprise because frankly i didn't want to, I figured we did this on our own, maybe i can have a 'normal' pregnancy, but now that we are back at the RE, it's sad, but it's like being home, they just have better equipment, know more about early stages, and are more aggressive.  So back at the RE's office, hopefully for only a few weeks, then can head back to the OBGYN with a healthy baby in the tummy..