It's finally happening...

It is finally happening... I woke up this morning and was happy.  Not like Sunshine and Roses happy but normal happy... I got up and things are starting to feel normal again.  I am not waking up depressed anymore.  Maybe it's the hormones leaving my system, maybe I am healing, maybe it is the future potential of fostering or adopting, whatever it is, I am so happy that I am capable of coping.  I will never be 100% but after seeing the therapist and taking things day to day, I feel like I am really starting to move on.  

Looking back, I still can't believe all the meds I was injecting into myself on a daily basis... Follistim, Menopur, Ovidrel, HCG, Progesterone... and those were just the injects over the time of treatments, not to mention the pills... Clomid, Estrogen, Metformin.. etc  And then the vaginal suppositories, those were really fun!  Can you believe what we do to ourselves on the quest to start a family.  If only it was as easy as having sex, but it wasn't and that's ok, God has a different plan for us.

I leave you today with the saying below because it is so true, I haven't been myself that last 8 months because I literally was all drugged up on hormones, I am starting to appreciate the positives.

Our home visit is tomorrow with the licensing agent, wish us luck! 

A Day in the life..

A day in the life of a woman struggling with infertility is probably a lot like any other woman's day but instead much more emotional.  Yesterday I was swamped at work so luckily I had very little time to think about the last few weeks or even the weeks to come but then last night I went to my first appointment with a therapist.  I was nervous and really didn't know where to start but once I got talking it was a lot like blogging and I just talked and talked and talked... If felt so good to talk about everything.  It also made me feel better that I am not crazy but just coping with everything right now.  And, even though we have decided to move on with fostering it is ok to have these feelings of pain and unfairness.  Her best advice was to be patient and allow myself to heal... I am not a patient person so that will definitely be a challenge.  We also agreed that in our time together we would work on how I can cope with these feelings and how guilty I have been feeling.  

I would say that has been the hardest part of this journey, how guilty I feel that I cannot give my husband children, or our parents grandchildren... at least not the normal, traditional way.  I have to accept that.  Even though the Doctor never told us it was my fault we weren't getting pregnant, I always blamed myself.  I take ownership of it... unexplained infertility could be so many things but it still makes me feel guilty. 

After my therapy session, I did sleep better last night and woke up feeling better this morning.  Everyday gets easier and everyday I feel better and better than the last.  It could be for a number of reasons, but regardless of the reason, I am so happy to be feeling normal again.  

Also today, I started my shakeology shakes.... I have been eating better for months but wanted a project and something a big more intense.  I will be doing the 21 day fix starting Monday but am going to do half packets of the shakes until this to ease my way in.  This morning I mixed my vanilla packet with my morning coffee and skim milk - it was awesome!

Last, I have secured a crib for the new nursery.  It's so hard to plan a room for fostering, not only does it have to be gender neutral but you also have no idea really on the age range.  We have said we are open to 0 to 4; this crib is a convertible crib that converts to a toddler bed so that is nice.  I am super excited to start working on the room.  My husband hung ceiling fans yesterday and I plan to start working on the room after the lic worker comes on Friday to inspect the house.  

Only a woman with infertility would have all of this happen in the last 24 hours... well maybe not but it feels like it.  See a therapist, continue on with healthy eating because you never know right..., and get a crib for your future foster kids.  Everyday I see our journey more and more special and everyday I am more and more excited about the journey we are on. 

Amazing Article - Infertility

One of my new, dear friends that I have met on this journey (we met on the message boards on the bump.com) posted this article last night on Facebook... I applauded her because I knew this was the first time she had come out about her infertility struggles, but like I told her, sometimes you just got to stop caring what other thinks and live in the open.  Infertility and IVF are hard enough without trying to keep it a secret, you are bloated, uncomfortable, sometimes in pain, hormonal (understatement), and most of all under an incredible amount of stress and pressure with crazy emotions... trying to worry about outing yourself should be the least of your worries.  Anyways, she posted this article last night and my husband and I read it together and laughed... it felt so good to laugh.  We realized, again, just how much we had put ourselves through... It's a great article.  

Read and share.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-ajaya-palumbo/the-question-that-gives-y_b_5120802.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Signed up for Foster PRIDE Training Today

All signed up for Foster Pride training -- the next 6 weeks are going to be pretty intense.  When we found out a couple of weeks ago that we were no longer going to be doing any more IVF due to our STUPID insurance...  I had planned on taking a break but I just can't.  I told my husband yesterday, I hate to put so much urgency on him but it's like I started on this journey and I am not stopping until our baby/child is home.  We start this Saturday in an ALL day class.  Friday our licensing worker is coming to visit... what should I expect?  I am very excited but nervous.

In other news, we have decided to start to get the bedroom ready.  This is so bitter sweet.. it's exciting but hard.  I mean we have said we are open to children 0 to 3 maybe even up to 4, that makes it very difficult to get a bedroom ready.  I mean do we get a crib?  Gender Neutral is necessary... I think I am going to go with a Peter Pan theme.  I ordered the wall decal below in the picture, it's arriving this week...   A Peter Pan nursery or room is what I always had in mind when I thought about decorating a nursery, I know this is different but it doesn't make it any less exciting... My husband is going to start with putting in a ceiling fan and I am going to move everything out and move a twin size bed in and paint the room.  We know we can't get this all done before the licensing agent comes on Friday but she told me she is more looking at the property and what we do have.  

Does anyone have any advice on how to get the room started when beginning the process for foster care?  We are certainly open to suggestions.  

Foster Training Here We Come

Good Morning, I hope you all had a Happy Easter.  We hosted Easter over the weekend and despite my fears it actually was great and I was so happy we were able to host our wonderful family.  I had been nervous for my own feelings but I realized half way through the day that that is very selfish, everyone bares their own crosses and my feelings, while significant to me, are very small when considering what others face.  I am fine one minute but then the next I start thinking... what kind of a woman am I, I can't do the one thing that women are put on this plant to do, carry a child.  But that kind of guilt is consuming me and I have to let it go.  Tomorrow I am seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, I am hoping to find comfort in speaking to someone who is not emotionally attached to us. 

In other news, after the hoopla of Easter on Saturday night was over, my husband and I got a day to ourselves yesterday -- and it was wonderful.  I put the Easter decorations away, cleaned up the house, had coffee out on our patio, we went out for breakfast, we then took the dogs to the forest preserve and went hiking, then came home and had margaritas on our patio, it was fabulous!  

Most importantly, we decided we are moving forward with fostering.  Our licensing worker is coming by on Friday to do an initial home visit then we have our first PRIDE training with DCFS (IL) on Saturday.  I am nervous and excited.  Lots to do this week as we prepare.  I will keep you posted on the fostering front.

Lastly, we also submitted our initial paperwork to Catholic Charities for their Healthy Infant Adoption program.  I am waiting to hear back.

Have a blessed Monday!

Thinking about everything we have been through...

Happy Easter!  A time of Spring, Family, and in our case then end of the Lenten season and the happiness that Easter brings.  

This year, it is also a time of sadness... We will be hosting Easter tomorrow for Ron's family and while I am very excited to see everyone, I cannot help but be sad.  Like many women who dream of being pregnant, the plan of how you would tell the family is a big deal.  That moment when you finally tell everyone it happened and you are expecting.  Had our IVF been successful in March of 2014, I had planned on telling our family at Easter... I know, I know it would have been very early but I had it in my head.  I was going to give everyone a little Easter egg and inside put a welcome message like, 'Happy Easter Grandma, love little Bunny S'... silly and cheesy, absolutely... but it's what I was going to do and it hurts knowing that is not part of tomorrow's agenda.  

I don't think there is anything that helps you get over knowing you will not have children, at least not have children naturally.  I am looking into adoption and I attended a foster parent meeting yesterday and even though I am incredibly excited about the possibilities and I certainly have Hope, it doesn't take away from the pain and the hurt I feel.  

Have a very Happy Easter if you celebrate, take comfort in being with family if you are in the same shoes I am in.  

What Now?

Well I am a planner so the next step is Adoption in my eyes... Ron is warming up to it but I am all about the urgency.  Tomorrow we are going to our first agency meeting in Rockford.  It's on fostering but I think it is important to hear to determine if we want to foster to adopt or not, or just work with an agency and adopt.  

I have so many questions that I know will not be answered tomorrow but I am still anxious and excited to be doing something.. I have to keep moving and moving forward in this journey. 

More to come... 

The Beginning... The Middle.. and Today 4.16.14

In the beginning there was man and female... ok we are not going back that far but the truth is my husband Ron and I have been together for a very, very long time.  We started dating way back when in 2003 when I was 19 and he was 18 and we have been together ever since.  Our relationship was always strong and we knew one day we would be married and have a family.... For those of you that know me know that I am a planner so the irony of how this story has played out has been a little funny but in the end our Faith is Strong and we believe God is going to bless us with a child and we could not be more excited about that.  I still chuckle now of all the times in college and when we were dating that I panicked about birth control... how silly.  Yes, yes we had pre-marital sex... let's move on.  

In 2008 Ron and I were married and so in love.  In early 2009 I stopped birth control for the first time since I was 18 and boy was it amazing!  AMAZING! Crazy enough, I remember the first time we 'tried' for the first time, Valentines day 2009... that's right Dan and Michelle right after your wedding lol.. anyways months turned into years of trying and trying.  I started seeing a doctor and all I kept hearing was PCOS or take some metformin.. blah blah... we did not have fertility insurance so I had to be very careful with how I worded my questions with my doctors. 

In 2013, we switched to my insurance and the aura of Fertility Insurance graced us.. we were also moving and life was chaotic so I really didn't have a lot of urgency.  In August 2013 we moved houses and I saw the RE for the first time... she was a basket case of a women/doctor.  Despite my better judgement I moved on and powered through.  After 2 months of testing we tried our first IUI in October 2013.  We had our first failed IUI not very long after.  Oh the 2ww, so horrible.  I was soooo very sure I was pregnant, stupid me took a home pregnancy test after only 5 days and got the double lines, whoops -- stupid! I had taken ovidrel as a ovulation trigger shot and of course it made me have a false positive.  

In Nov 2013 I hit a low, I was becoming desperate, I know, I know, I had only had one failed IUI... but the crazy doc and her crazy nurse (who will remain nameless but I was attending Fertility Centers of Illinois in the Hoffman office for those wondering..) increased my clomid to 100mg; if you have ever been on clomid you know it's a horrid drug, it does horrid things to your body and it is over perscribed way too much but anyways, they increased my dosage and my follicles never grew big enough so we cancelled the cycle, no IUI in November.  

In December 2013 I was pumped and ready to go, we were starting injects and I was sooo sure that the fact that I was giving myself shots in the stomach would automatically mean I would get pregnant.  Wrong... of course it was all around Christmas because the busiest of times is when my cycles get hot and juicy, we were leaving to go out of town so they only got to do 1 IUI at the end of December so after Follistim (which is CRAZY expensive FYI), ovidrel.. we had an IUI done right before we left to have Christmas with my family and go away for a few days after that just the 2 of us.  I was a little more carefree this time, I figured it was Christmas and what was a few drinks so I had a good time.  Again, I was sooo sure it was going to work.  Wrong, BFN in January 2014.  Let's go again!

In January 2014, a lot changed.  My best friend of several years and I stopped talking, work was cray cray, and I was going through some serious depression because of soooo many things pulling me in sooo many different directions.... so what do I do? I planned a trip to Disney World.  It was just what I needed.  However, I wasn't going to stop the treatments, heck no.  We powered on, this time around they seriously increased my follistim and I had tons of little follicles, lots and lots of potential, I and they were certain I was going to get pregnant and not just pregnant but they were concerned that I would have a litter of children, at the end of January 2014 I had my IUI on a Friday morning, went to acupuncture, and 2 hours later was on a plane to Disney World.  This time around as well I had to start progesterone shots in the butt... which nothing is sexier than your husband administering shots to your ass, but this cycle we got to include this fun treat as well.  Anyways, taking those through security was fun.  Luckily I took several extra because we got stuck in Orlando 2 extra days due to a snow storm back home in Chicago.  After the horrid month, all the little follicles, and a Disney experience -- who wouldn't think i was going to get preggo, but nope.  BFN right before Valentines day 2014. 

Now it's important to mention that at the end of 2013 I found out that my company was ending our fertility insurance... bummer right?  I had until the end of June 2014 to continue seeking my treatment and then I would be cut off.  We met with the CRAZY doc the day before Valentines Day in Feb 2014 and decided to move forward with IVF.  I was so nervous but knew it was time.  I had a new excitement because the doctor had excitement... she kept saying, 'I just don't know why this isn't happening for you.'  The first step in IVF is going on Birth Control Pills so 5 years after going off them, I started them back up again for 2 weeks, then I went to my Follistim and they stimmed the crap out of me, my ovaries were the size of softballs with TONS of little follicles, things looked great.  The night I was supposed to trigger, I found out my pharmacy didn't send me my Novarel to trigger so after freaking out and calling the on call doc/nurse we drove almost 2 hours to downtown Chicago to the one pharmacy in the area that had an HCG shot.  We paid out of pocket and luckily was only an hour after the time we were supposed to trigger.  

On March 14, 2014 I went in for Egg Retrieval, my hubby was working so my poor brother had to awkwardly take me.  They retrieved 14 eggs.  I thought there would be more and I was really disappointed but I went home and rested.  I was so uncomfortable and I made the decision that day that I would never go through that again. 

The next day they called and told me that only 9 were mature enough and of those 5 fertilized, I was even more crushed.  They said those 5 were doing well and they'd call me the next day and let me know the plan, they called on Sunday -- which by the way was the WORST day, I was in soooo much pain and could barely move and was peeing every hour and that pressure was so painful on my ovaries, I was a mess.  Anyways they said my 5 little embryos were doing great and that I was scheduled for a 5 day transfer on March 19th.  

On March 19th, I drove myself, I got prepped and the embryologist and the doctor both came to visit.  They let me know that I had 2 that were early blasts graded at 3bb (just ok grade.. not great) and that the other 3 were not looking good and we may not have any to freeze.  When the doctor came in, I asked the bitch's professional opinion on how my embryos looked and that doctor told me they looked, 'cute'.  Again, another reason why FCI is not the place for me... 

The embryos transferred in and we waited.  The next day my mom came to visit and I told her what I had been going through, that was almost harder than anything else because I had kept it from her for so long.  I just didn't want her to worry, there was no reason for us both to be sad and worried.  But, I have to say, it was soooo nice to have her there and helping and it was soo nice for her support and love.

On my 31st birthday, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, while it was still early, I just knew, I knew it didn't work.  The blood work confirmed it a couple of days later and I was devastated.  I cried and cried for days... I would just be sitting at my desk and start crying.  We met with the doctor on Friday, April 4th and she tried to pull the 'I can't believe this didn't work' card again and Ron went off on her, it was seriously the best thing I have ever seen.  We decided to try again...

Or so we thought... on April 11 we found out our insurance was denying our second attempt.  It's a long story but what it really comes down to is crap and surprise surprise and insurance company trying to find the loophole, well they found one.  We are done at FCI, done with IVF, and moving on...

Our Plan is to enjoy our summer together, I have been eating incredibly healthy for months so I plan to continue with that, and we are going to save and start looking into adoption.  I don't know if we will do IVF again in the future but what I do know is whether we do IVF or adoption, we are going to bring a child into our home and we are going to love that child.  

No one said this was going to be easy but we certainly thought it would be easier than it has been, I mean most people can get it done much simpler right?  But God has a different plan for us.  Please pray for us and support us however you can.