'How are you doing?'

Seems like a perfectly good question, right?  We didn't tell very many people we were pregnant; just as you shouldn't because of the chances of a miscarriage but we did tell those that knew we had been struggling with infertility because let's be honest, extra prayers are always appreciated... well now that the miscarriage is over it's hump (there is still fun aftermath, but I will keep that to myself..), I keep getting the question.. 'So, how are you doing?' or 'How are you feeling?' -- I give the answer everyone wants to hear, 'Ok, it feels good to have the closure, and I am trying to stay positive...'  But what I am really feeling is, WHAT DO I DO NOW?  Do we try again?  Was that our one chance at a little miracle?  Do we jump back into the fostering thing?  Am I meant to be a mother at all?  

I think unless you have gone through this (which is the whole reason I am writing this blog in the first place is for those that need comfort that they are not alone..) but unless you know this despair, I don't think anyone has good advice.. heck I don't even know what I want.  

I am depressed and I am ok admitting that.  I am, I am sad, and hurt, and scared, and feel like I don't know what to do.  I am going through the motions again... is this healing?  Am I mourning the loss of my baby?  I don't know for sure, I may just be surviving and getting through... and I don't want that life.  I want a life of fun, hope, possibilities, love, and most of all children.. 

Do not get me wrong, my faith is strong.  I know God has a plan and I trust him, my fear though is God's plan may be that it's just me and Ron... it shouldn't be this hard, right?  Perhaps God just wants Ron and I to live our lives just the two of us and have an amazing marriage..  Because, folks, we do have an amazing marriage.  I have an amazing man in my life that I love to my core, maybe that is supposed to be it?  

Either way, I will keep my faith and as people ask, I will tell them... 'I am doing good, I have closure, and I continue to be positive...' Maybe one day it will be true.